Always Learning

Yesterday I got all riled up about the situation with the church and Scott. I was so angry. I got some relief when I could talk to someone about how I felt. When I woke up this morning, I was still somewhat mad. I was unable to expel some anxious thoughts from my mind. They kept coming back again and again. (I started to lose my cool over simple things like picking up my kid's stuff in the living room. All this before 9:30am)

I went into my room to do my quiet time. I read My Utmost For His Highest everyday. Today he quoted St. Augustine, "O Lord, deliver me from this lust of always vindicating myself". He went on to say that Jesus never explained anything. He let misconceptions correct themselves, or rather, handed the outcome of such misunderstandings over to His Father.

This is something I must learn now, this "always wanting to vindicate myself". I'll tell you, it is very difficult. I'm an explainer. I explain things all day to my kids. I naturally like people to understand what is going on. Well, I just don't have to do that about this situation. I don't have to tell everyone our side of the story. If they want to know it, they will ask. It's my job to tell the truth when asked, but I don't have to fret about all the people who don't know the truth. That's what I was doing - fretting. How stupid of me! What an waste of energy. Today was a little better day because I prayed the St. Augustine prayer all day.

On another note, I had to confess to my children that I had not been a very good Mom these last couple of months. Honestly, I didn't handle all this too well. I basically became paralyzed for a while and hid out in my room watching movies. (I don't drink, do drugs, eat addictively, smoke, etc. Movies are my only "drug" left) So I have been checked out for quite some time. I feel horrible about it. The kids have been watching way too much TV and eating poorly. I told them I was sorry, and I said I was going to try to do better today. I did do better - not as well as I would have liked (I'm very hard on myself), but better, nevertheless.

Part of what I feel bad about is our scattered Bible time. Because we haven't been on top of school, Bible time has fallen by the wayside. What a time to "forget" Bible time! We need this so much, yet I admit, I have let it go. I asked God to forgive me. I asked for His help to start anew today, and He did help me. I am so thankful for a God who is patient with me even when I mess up over and over again.

I do not carry the burden I had last night. I feel much more free. My heart is not pounding in my chest because of my anxious thoughts. I can breathe deeply.

God is good.

Difficult Day

This is a very difficult day. I am sick to my stomach about everything that has happened. I still can't believe that Elders in a church would be deceiving to their congregation. I realize too that they have impuned my husband's reputation. I have also come to realize that many of my friends will continue to trust and believe these very men who have not been completely honest with them. These things really hurt me so deeply.

I am trying to
a) repay evil with good
b) ask God to vindicate me
c) pray for those who are being deceived for God to open their eyes to the truth

How can God bless a place where their is deception?

Psalm 23

Today I was talking to one of my fellow homeschool-mom friends, and she said something very encouraging. I want to share it on my blog.

She said to remember that Psalm 23 says, "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death." Meaning, we aren't camping in the valley, laying down in the valley, or stopping in any way in the valley. We are walking through it. We will get to the end of the valley. We must continue to walk God's walk.

We Made It!

Church yesterday was difficult, but it was the right thing to do. We needed to say goodbye to everyone. Many people were confused and didn't understand. Scott and I can only tell the truth from our point of view.

Thank you for your prayers. Thank you, Stacie for your words of encouragement, "Let God be your vindicator." That is exactly what we are doing. The truth of the situation will come out.

We are keeping ourselves busy by rearranging our house. Our 13 year old boy needs his own space, so we are trying to give him that.

Scott's Job

Well, the end has come. Scott has been fired from his job as Children's Pastor at our church. Scott has been working on reconciling things between him and the leadership for nearly a year, and the Elders finally asked for his resignation. He didn't resign, though. They gave us a very generous severance package. Tomorrow will be our last day at Sebastopol Christian Church. We want to be there to say goodbye to the children.

I have such mixed emotions. On the one hand, I am relieved. After months of stress, we are done with this situation. On the other hand, I wish reconciliation could have taken place. I am not worried. I am not afraid for our future. We will stay right here until God says, "Move."

Our children are sad. Tomorrow will be difficult for them. Please pray for our family tomorrow. I have yet to completely fall apart. I know I will have to do that sometime, but I do not want to do it tomorrow at church.

I have had such support and love from my friends at church, some of whom I have known for 31 years. I do not harbor any hard feelings toward the leadership at SCC, but I am disappointed with how they dealt with everything.

Thank you, friends for all your prayers. I have felt them lift me up through some very dark nights.

God is good.

The Hunters Are Home

My son, Samuel, turned 13 on Nov. 2. He spent his birthday hunting in Colorado and shooting his first deer, a doe. He had a great time with Dad. I sent some homework with him, but he didn't do it. He told me that all they did was hunt, eat, and sleep. I guess I could count it as P.E. :)

Still waiting...

Here we on on Monday morning. We made it through another Sunday. I nearly fell apart in front of one of my oldest friends. I'm still not supposed to talk to anyone about anything. It makes Sundays really hard.

Today's thought is: The mind set on the Spirit is life and peace. Romans 8:6b

I am trying to keep my mind occupied with things of the Spirit - prayer, Bible verses, encouraging people to talk to because I want PEACE.

It is still difficult to keep up with everything. I am distracted and unable to complete a task. I'm trying to give myself some grace, but not allow too many excuses. You know how it can get, "I am going through (whatever difficulty), so I just can't make dinner, teach the kids, clean the house, etc. That's where my mind is going.

BUT...there is hope. I can keep my mind on the things of the Spirit. I have different Bible verses written down around the house to keep me focused.

Your continued prayers lift me up.

Dear Friends

My Dear Friends,

Thank you so much for your prayers. We have been lifted up by so many family and friends during this difficult time, and we appreciate your caring prayers so much!

Something I'm learning:

This battle is not about Scott or even the other men involved. It is a battle that Satan is raging against our little town of Sebastopol. Scott and I have made it our goal to not allow Satan to use us in any way - our tongues, our attitudes, our giving/withholding forgiveness, our faithfulness to God's calling. We will not give up doing the right thing.

Ephesians 6: 10-18
For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms. Use every piece of God's armor...Stand your ground...Pray at all times and on every occasion in the power of the Holy Spirit. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers.

Why I've Been Gone...

I haven't been able to post in so long because of a very painful situation at church (which is also my husband's work). I can't give details on my blog yet. We are still in limbo and are waiting for a decision from the Elders. I'm hoping it will be soon because I'm ready to move on.

I know I don't have many readers. But those of you who are reading, will you please pray for my family? We are all really hurting, especially the kids. It's difficult to know how much to tell them.

In all of this I know only one thing for sure: God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose for them.