Always Learning

Yesterday I got all riled up about the situation with the church and Scott. I was so angry. I got some relief when I could talk to someone about how I felt. When I woke up this morning, I was still somewhat mad. I was unable to expel some anxious thoughts from my mind. They kept coming back again and again. (I started to lose my cool over simple things like picking up my kid's stuff in the living room. All this before 9:30am)

I went into my room to do my quiet time. I read My Utmost For His Highest everyday. Today he quoted St. Augustine, "O Lord, deliver me from this lust of always vindicating myself". He went on to say that Jesus never explained anything. He let misconceptions correct themselves, or rather, handed the outcome of such misunderstandings over to His Father.

This is something I must learn now, this "always wanting to vindicate myself". I'll tell you, it is very difficult. I'm an explainer. I explain things all day to my kids. I naturally like people to understand what is going on. Well, I just don't have to do that about this situation. I don't have to tell everyone our side of the story. If they want to know it, they will ask. It's my job to tell the truth when asked, but I don't have to fret about all the people who don't know the truth. That's what I was doing - fretting. How stupid of me! What an waste of energy. Today was a little better day because I prayed the St. Augustine prayer all day.

On another note, I had to confess to my children that I had not been a very good Mom these last couple of months. Honestly, I didn't handle all this too well. I basically became paralyzed for a while and hid out in my room watching movies. (I don't drink, do drugs, eat addictively, smoke, etc. Movies are my only "drug" left) So I have been checked out for quite some time. I feel horrible about it. The kids have been watching way too much TV and eating poorly. I told them I was sorry, and I said I was going to try to do better today. I did do better - not as well as I would have liked (I'm very hard on myself), but better, nevertheless.

Part of what I feel bad about is our scattered Bible time. Because we haven't been on top of school, Bible time has fallen by the wayside. What a time to "forget" Bible time! We need this so much, yet I admit, I have let it go. I asked God to forgive me. I asked for His help to start anew today, and He did help me. I am so thankful for a God who is patient with me even when I mess up over and over again.

I do not carry the burden I had last night. I feel much more free. My heart is not pounding in my chest because of my anxious thoughts. I can breathe deeply.

God is good.