Thoughts on Church

Where do I start...seriously. I've lived my life in church. Actually, in church for most of it. Growing up the pastor's daughter is not a very good way to grow up. There are 2 reasons I've made it this far:
1. My parents are totally cool
2. Jesus
I would not wish being a pastor's daughter on ANYBODY.

I've been thinking about a couple of things regarding church and I had to write them down because they were bugging me so much. It really helps me to write - it's actually a tool for FA.

First, I hate church. I really hate the corporate, American, personality-driven, popular church of today. (When I use the word "church " here I DO NOT mean people). There are the sex and money scandals...blah, blah, blah. We've heard them all before. There are the divisions, the internal problems...it nauseates me to even go on. I look around at the churches in America today and all I see is a cult of personality. A cult of personality. The cool, hip pastor leading an unthinking group of people to a more "authentic" church or a conservative Bible-thumping pastor leading a flock of modestly clad clones down the road to "like-minded" fellowship. Ugh!

When you strip away all the church stuff - finances, attendance, music, bulletins, pews, buildings, potlucks, etc - what you get is that there is ONE GUY in charge and it is not Jesus. I don't care if a church says it has a board of elders or not. There is still one person in charge - one person with the strongest personality who has the ability to wield his power over the others. The thing is, people like this. They want to follow someone, someone they can see. They want to not have to think and they want to allow another person to tell them what to do and believe.

The corporate, American church is so far away from what REAL church is - i.e. a group of people following Jesus. I am sick of looking for a church in my town. I am not interested in going into some building, sitting down with people I do not know, listening to a pastor lecture me for 30 minutes (where did that come from? Oh yeah - the Greeks), singing songs done to bad music on untuned instruments, and praying for 30 seconds. I.Am.Not.Interested.

Another thing I notice is the whining and begging coming from leadership. "We need immediate help in the nursery..." "We need someone to head-up the after church potlucks...." Over and over again, in every email and bulletin. Here's a question: if the church is supposedly filled with people following Jesus, why is there a need to constantly nag them to do service? If the people at church are truly following Jesus, all the needs in that group would be met by the outpouring of love and service from the hearts of the people! I have yet to see this happen in a typical American church. This alone tells me there is something very wrong.

I am not sure what all this means to me. I will keep attending church - sporadically. I am keeping my eyes open for something new. I know that there are groups of people doing new things (or are they "old"?). Francis Chan is doing something very unusual in SF - he's discipling people so that they can disciple people. Wow, what a concept. No church building, no pastor? Just a group of people learning to live more like Jesus and getting ready to pass on the good news to the next group of people Jesus sends their way.

~I don't mean for this post to sound angry. I am not angry, just tired of what I see over and over again.

Thoughts on a Homeschool Convention

I attended our state Christian homeschool convention this past weekend. It gets smaller and smaller each year, both in vendors and workshop speakers. As I listened to the keynote speakers during the opening session, I died a little on the inside. What I heard was, "A Christian homeschooling boy looks like this and a Christian homeschooling girl looks like that." I also heard some other comments from the main speakers that were just too simplistic and some were downright unkind. What I mean is this: They were giving black and white answers for "grey" and sometimes very complicated matters and they were doing it in an insensitive manner. It's embarrassing to me. The world already thinks we Christians aren't compassionate and don't think, and we keep proving them right!

Then when it was time for the legislative update from our national homeschool legal association, I had a epiphany. First, I want to say that I appreciate the work that these lawyers are doing on behalf of homeschooling. Here's what I noticed: they have a republican agenda. (I guess I've missed this before). I am not a republican. I am an independent.  This troubled me.

Needless to say, this will be my last trip to my state Christian homeschool conference. I'm done. I will no longer align myself with these people. I can't and I won't. I've got to find homeschoolers that have a wide grace!

I know I'm not alone. I thank God for revealing these things to me and giving me the courage to follow what I know to be true. The only weapons I have are my money - I won't spend my money to support any organizations that act like this, my words - I will speak out about what God calls us to do as Christians, and my prayers - for God to draw Christians back to the truth of His love and grace.

The Jennifer I want to be

It's amazing what a new house can do. I feel like we have started a new life. I've released not only a bunch of old things - books, furniture, accessories, but also some old thoughts - waiting on others to get me where I'm going and blaming others for where I am today.

I did a lot of journaling this morning and I was able to clearly see how I got caught up in a couple of people's unrealistic schemes. I use the word "scheme" because I can't think of a better word right now. I believed these people when they said they wanted to change, and I bought into what they were saying. I had no reason not to. Yet when I got to know them and watch them over a period of a couple of years, their true colors came through. I don't think they were trying to hise their true colors, I just didn't know them well enough to see how they operated as people. I'm thankful that I saw what kind of people they are and that I was able to get out of a situation that could have been very detrimental to my emotional well-being.

I find that I am attracted to people who are very transparent. I don't do well with actors, pretenders, or those who don't know who they are. I have a very hard time with those who are calculating and who weigh every minute of a conversation to see if anything can be used later. Or maybe a person who holds back calculatingly for an opportune time to take control. All that is disgusting to me. I like plain people. I like people who are themselves at all times - that means mad when they are mad, sad when they are sad, and happy when they are happy. If you're wierd, so what? Just be yourself.

One of my favorite people is a country girl from Oregon. She says what she thinks at all times. She's honest with you and she expects you to be honest with her. I like that.

Another favorite person of mine is a retired nurse who lives in Zimbabwe. I spent 10 days on a trip with her as my roomate. If you ask her a question, she gives you an answer. There is no faltering. She is who she is with no apologies.

These people are the kind of people I want to be. I want to be Jennifer. The best Jennifer. The Jennifer God made me to be. I am working on that. It's my journey to freedom.

I wonder what it says about a person's personality by how they unpack their moving boxes. Some would unpack their clothes first, some the kitchen things. Me, I unpack books first. Not only do I unpack them...I organize them on the shelves. I know this must be weird, but it makes me feel calm. I did move my kitchen things over during the course of 3 days, so I guess you could say my kitchen was first, but really, when given the choice, I always go for the books. It probably drives my husband mad, mad, mad. I haven't asked him. I don't care where the sheets are, or where my shoes are for that matter (I wore my son's slippers to my meeting tonight). What I really want is to know that all my books are here and safely put on my shelves. I am missing a couple of boxes of books, but I am not going to panic tonight. Tomorrow will do for finding the missing boxes.

Living in a New Home

Oh yes, more unpacking, organizing, and on top of that, school. The boys are being cooperative today. Could it be because we started the day out right? By praying together and reading Psalm 24, "The earth is the Lord's and all it contains....Who is the King of Glory? The Lord strong and mighty."

Confession: I LOVE organizing. (I trait I got from my Mom) I'm having a hard time doing school with the boys because I'd rather cut shelf paper and organize the linen closet. Help me, God to focus and finish a task. I know You can help me.

A New Home, A New Start

A new home and a new start - that's where I am tonight. We just moved into our new house this weekend. I was overwhelmed by the help we have received from our family and friends who helped us move, brought us food, helped pack and unpack, mowed our grass, fixed our fridge, cleaned our old house, etc. We are truly blessed. This is the first house I have felt a permanence about because I'm not waiting on something or someone to "show up". I'm not waiting on a promised full-time salary for Scott or any other promises. We just are us. Living in this house. It feels good.

We have had quite a long list of moves in the past 22 years. Here's the summary: We rented our first apartment because it was close to school - we knew it wasn't going to be permanent. We moved to a bigger condo to be closer to work, but we knew that wasn't permanent either. We moved to a country place and had our first baby. Then Scott's job situation changed, so we decided to try our luck in The Dalles, Oregon. In The Dalles, we lived with my grandparents for 2 1/2 months, in an apartment for 2 1/2 months, and then in a farmhouse. We knew we could only stay if Scott could find and keep a job. We stayed there for 4 years, had 2 more babies, then moved to Portland for 10 months while Scott went to school. We moved back to California to take care of Scott's Grandma, and we lived in her home. That always felt temporary because living there was conditional. We ended up living there 8 years (having 1 more baby). Then on to an apartment for 5 months while waiting for my parents' house. Then we  lived in my parent's house while they lived in Hawaii. Then we moved to Napa for a job that didn't pan out the way we had hoped, so we have moved on to this house.

Now I'm sitting here in our little 3 bedroom 2 bath house that sits tucked away down a gravel driveway in the middle of Napa, and I love it. I have a beautiful green lawn in front, beautiful rose bushes outside my kitchen window, plenty of room for a garden, and a cute 50s retro kitchen that I absolutely LOVE.

All that said, things aren't perfect at my house. I still struggle with my food addiction. I still mess up daily with homeschooling - I'm finally figuring out that the mess ups ARE homeschooling. I still wish I had a better relationship with my sister. I miss my daughter terribly while she is in Africa. I worry that I'll somehow run out of time and not get to do all the things I want to do in life.

But tonight, today, I'm good. I have my recovery program. I have a place to sleep, a place to live and a place to feed my family. Thank you, God. That's been my prayer this weekend.

Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.

Adults in the life of my children

Today my 16 yo daughter was not doing very well. Actually it has been a veeerrryyy lllooonnnggg wwweeeeeeek of her not doing well. Today at Homeschool Park Day, a woman from our homeschool group asked her how she was. She said OK, but the woman wouldn't take that for an answer. She knew that my daughter was lying, and she said so! Next, she encouraged (well, actually, demanded) that my daughter call any member of her family if she is ever depressed. Some member of her family would come and pick my daughter up to bring her to their house for the day.

How thankful I am to have other adults in my children's lives to help them along the way. I am not so delusional to think I am the only influence in my kids' lives. No Way! They need other grounded adults to show them the way to go. My daughter needs others to tell her the very things I tell her because she does not always think I'm the smartest person on the planet. She can take "medicine" from others when it's difficult to take it from Mom.

I attended my nephew's 8th grade graduation in Santa Rosa on Wednesday. Each middle-school teacher picks a few graduates to bless. I was impressed by the love shown to these students by their teachers. Not only do these students have parents who care - they have teachers who care about their character. Most of the blessings were about character.

There are sometime adults that I do not let my children around. Usually, unfortunately, they are from our church family. These adults tear down my kids and try to spread gossip with them. These kinds of adults really aren't mature Christians they are just physically mature human beings with an infantile spiritual life. I am very careful to be present when these adults approach my children. I have told my children that I will protect them from these individuals.

How careful we are to be as parents! Do I let my kids go with that person? Do I let my kids take a class at the community college? Do I let my kids hang out at that house? Most of the time the Holy Spirit will give me a sense of who is safe and who is not. I am thankful for His guidance in all areas of my children's protection - physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual.