The Jennifer I want to be

It's amazing what a new house can do. I feel like we have started a new life. I've released not only a bunch of old things - books, furniture, accessories, but also some old thoughts - waiting on others to get me where I'm going and blaming others for where I am today.

I did a lot of journaling this morning and I was able to clearly see how I got caught up in a couple of people's unrealistic schemes. I use the word "scheme" because I can't think of a better word right now. I believed these people when they said they wanted to change, and I bought into what they were saying. I had no reason not to. Yet when I got to know them and watch them over a period of a couple of years, their true colors came through. I don't think they were trying to hise their true colors, I just didn't know them well enough to see how they operated as people. I'm thankful that I saw what kind of people they are and that I was able to get out of a situation that could have been very detrimental to my emotional well-being.

I find that I am attracted to people who are very transparent. I don't do well with actors, pretenders, or those who don't know who they are. I have a very hard time with those who are calculating and who weigh every minute of a conversation to see if anything can be used later. Or maybe a person who holds back calculatingly for an opportune time to take control. All that is disgusting to me. I like plain people. I like people who are themselves at all times - that means mad when they are mad, sad when they are sad, and happy when they are happy. If you're wierd, so what? Just be yourself.

One of my favorite people is a country girl from Oregon. She says what she thinks at all times. She's honest with you and she expects you to be honest with her. I like that.

Another favorite person of mine is a retired nurse who lives in Zimbabwe. I spent 10 days on a trip with her as my roomate. If you ask her a question, she gives you an answer. There is no faltering. She is who she is with no apologies.

These people are the kind of people I want to be. I want to be Jennifer. The best Jennifer. The Jennifer God made me to be. I am working on that. It's my journey to freedom.

I wonder what it says about a person's personality by how they unpack their moving boxes. Some would unpack their clothes first, some the kitchen things. Me, I unpack books first. Not only do I unpack them...I organize them on the shelves. I know this must be weird, but it makes me feel calm. I did move my kitchen things over during the course of 3 days, so I guess you could say my kitchen was first, but really, when given the choice, I always go for the books. It probably drives my husband mad, mad, mad. I haven't asked him. I don't care where the sheets are, or where my shoes are for that matter (I wore my son's slippers to my meeting tonight). What I really want is to know that all my books are here and safely put on my shelves. I am missing a couple of boxes of books, but I am not going to panic tonight. Tomorrow will do for finding the missing boxes.

Living in a New Home

Oh yes, more unpacking, organizing, and on top of that, school. The boys are being cooperative today. Could it be because we started the day out right? By praying together and reading Psalm 24, "The earth is the Lord's and all it contains....Who is the King of Glory? The Lord strong and mighty."

Confession: I LOVE organizing. (I trait I got from my Mom) I'm having a hard time doing school with the boys because I'd rather cut shelf paper and organize the linen closet. Help me, God to focus and finish a task. I know You can help me.

A New Home, A New Start

A new home and a new start - that's where I am tonight. We just moved into our new house this weekend. I was overwhelmed by the help we have received from our family and friends who helped us move, brought us food, helped pack and unpack, mowed our grass, fixed our fridge, cleaned our old house, etc. We are truly blessed. This is the first house I have felt a permanence about because I'm not waiting on something or someone to "show up". I'm not waiting on a promised full-time salary for Scott or any other promises. We just are us. Living in this house. It feels good.

We have had quite a long list of moves in the past 22 years. Here's the summary: We rented our first apartment because it was close to school - we knew it wasn't going to be permanent. We moved to a bigger condo to be closer to work, but we knew that wasn't permanent either. We moved to a country place and had our first baby. Then Scott's job situation changed, so we decided to try our luck in The Dalles, Oregon. In The Dalles, we lived with my grandparents for 2 1/2 months, in an apartment for 2 1/2 months, and then in a farmhouse. We knew we could only stay if Scott could find and keep a job. We stayed there for 4 years, had 2 more babies, then moved to Portland for 10 months while Scott went to school. We moved back to California to take care of Scott's Grandma, and we lived in her home. That always felt temporary because living there was conditional. We ended up living there 8 years (having 1 more baby). Then on to an apartment for 5 months while waiting for my parents' house. Then we  lived in my parent's house while they lived in Hawaii. Then we moved to Napa for a job that didn't pan out the way we had hoped, so we have moved on to this house.

Now I'm sitting here in our little 3 bedroom 2 bath house that sits tucked away down a gravel driveway in the middle of Napa, and I love it. I have a beautiful green lawn in front, beautiful rose bushes outside my kitchen window, plenty of room for a garden, and a cute 50s retro kitchen that I absolutely LOVE.

All that said, things aren't perfect at my house. I still struggle with my food addiction. I still mess up daily with homeschooling - I'm finally figuring out that the mess ups ARE homeschooling. I still wish I had a better relationship with my sister. I miss my daughter terribly while she is in Africa. I worry that I'll somehow run out of time and not get to do all the things I want to do in life.

But tonight, today, I'm good. I have my recovery program. I have a place to sleep, a place to live and a place to feed my family. Thank you, God. That's been my prayer this weekend.

Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.