Thoughts on Church

Where do I start...seriously. I've lived my life in church. Actually, in church for most of it. Growing up the pastor's daughter is not a very good way to grow up. There are 2 reasons I've made it this far:
1. My parents are totally cool
2. Jesus
I would not wish being a pastor's daughter on ANYBODY.

I've been thinking about a couple of things regarding church and I had to write them down because they were bugging me so much. It really helps me to write - it's actually a tool for FA.

First, I hate church. I really hate the corporate, American, personality-driven, popular church of today. (When I use the word "church " here I DO NOT mean people). There are the sex and money scandals...blah, blah, blah. We've heard them all before. There are the divisions, the internal problems...it nauseates me to even go on. I look around at the churches in America today and all I see is a cult of personality. A cult of personality. The cool, hip pastor leading an unthinking group of people to a more "authentic" church or a conservative Bible-thumping pastor leading a flock of modestly clad clones down the road to "like-minded" fellowship. Ugh!

When you strip away all the church stuff - finances, attendance, music, bulletins, pews, buildings, potlucks, etc - what you get is that there is ONE GUY in charge and it is not Jesus. I don't care if a church says it has a board of elders or not. There is still one person in charge - one person with the strongest personality who has the ability to wield his power over the others. The thing is, people like this. They want to follow someone, someone they can see. They want to not have to think and they want to allow another person to tell them what to do and believe.

The corporate, American church is so far away from what REAL church is - i.e. a group of people following Jesus. I am sick of looking for a church in my town. I am not interested in going into some building, sitting down with people I do not know, listening to a pastor lecture me for 30 minutes (where did that come from? Oh yeah - the Greeks), singing songs done to bad music on untuned instruments, and praying for 30 seconds. I.Am.Not.Interested.

Another thing I notice is the whining and begging coming from leadership. "We need immediate help in the nursery..." "We need someone to head-up the after church potlucks...." Over and over again, in every email and bulletin. Here's a question: if the church is supposedly filled with people following Jesus, why is there a need to constantly nag them to do service? If the people at church are truly following Jesus, all the needs in that group would be met by the outpouring of love and service from the hearts of the people! I have yet to see this happen in a typical American church. This alone tells me there is something very wrong.

I am not sure what all this means to me. I will keep attending church - sporadically. I am keeping my eyes open for something new. I know that there are groups of people doing new things (or are they "old"?). Francis Chan is doing something very unusual in SF - he's discipling people so that they can disciple people. Wow, what a concept. No church building, no pastor? Just a group of people learning to live more like Jesus and getting ready to pass on the good news to the next group of people Jesus sends their way.

~I don't mean for this post to sound angry. I am not angry, just tired of what I see over and over again.

Thoughts on a Homeschool Convention

I attended our state Christian homeschool convention this past weekend. It gets smaller and smaller each year, both in vendors and workshop speakers. As I listened to the keynote speakers during the opening session, I died a little on the inside. What I heard was, "A Christian homeschooling boy looks like this and a Christian homeschooling girl looks like that." I also heard some other comments from the main speakers that were just too simplistic and some were downright unkind. What I mean is this: They were giving black and white answers for "grey" and sometimes very complicated matters and they were doing it in an insensitive manner. It's embarrassing to me. The world already thinks we Christians aren't compassionate and don't think, and we keep proving them right!

Then when it was time for the legislative update from our national homeschool legal association, I had a epiphany. First, I want to say that I appreciate the work that these lawyers are doing on behalf of homeschooling. Here's what I noticed: they have a republican agenda. (I guess I've missed this before). I am not a republican. I am an independent.  This troubled me.

Needless to say, this will be my last trip to my state Christian homeschool conference. I'm done. I will no longer align myself with these people. I can't and I won't. I've got to find homeschoolers that have a wide grace!

I know I'm not alone. I thank God for revealing these things to me and giving me the courage to follow what I know to be true. The only weapons I have are my money - I won't spend my money to support any organizations that act like this, my words - I will speak out about what God calls us to do as Christians, and my prayers - for God to draw Christians back to the truth of His love and grace.

The Jennifer I want to be

It's amazing what a new house can do. I feel like we have started a new life. I've released not only a bunch of old things - books, furniture, accessories, but also some old thoughts - waiting on others to get me where I'm going and blaming others for where I am today.

I did a lot of journaling this morning and I was able to clearly see how I got caught up in a couple of people's unrealistic schemes. I use the word "scheme" because I can't think of a better word right now. I believed these people when they said they wanted to change, and I bought into what they were saying. I had no reason not to. Yet when I got to know them and watch them over a period of a couple of years, their true colors came through. I don't think they were trying to hise their true colors, I just didn't know them well enough to see how they operated as people. I'm thankful that I saw what kind of people they are and that I was able to get out of a situation that could have been very detrimental to my emotional well-being.

I find that I am attracted to people who are very transparent. I don't do well with actors, pretenders, or those who don't know who they are. I have a very hard time with those who are calculating and who weigh every minute of a conversation to see if anything can be used later. Or maybe a person who holds back calculatingly for an opportune time to take control. All that is disgusting to me. I like plain people. I like people who are themselves at all times - that means mad when they are mad, sad when they are sad, and happy when they are happy. If you're wierd, so what? Just be yourself.

One of my favorite people is a country girl from Oregon. She says what she thinks at all times. She's honest with you and she expects you to be honest with her. I like that.

Another favorite person of mine is a retired nurse who lives in Zimbabwe. I spent 10 days on a trip with her as my roomate. If you ask her a question, she gives you an answer. There is no faltering. She is who she is with no apologies.

These people are the kind of people I want to be. I want to be Jennifer. The best Jennifer. The Jennifer God made me to be. I am working on that. It's my journey to freedom.

I wonder what it says about a person's personality by how they unpack their moving boxes. Some would unpack their clothes first, some the kitchen things. Me, I unpack books first. Not only do I unpack them...I organize them on the shelves. I know this must be weird, but it makes me feel calm. I did move my kitchen things over during the course of 3 days, so I guess you could say my kitchen was first, but really, when given the choice, I always go for the books. It probably drives my husband mad, mad, mad. I haven't asked him. I don't care where the sheets are, or where my shoes are for that matter (I wore my son's slippers to my meeting tonight). What I really want is to know that all my books are here and safely put on my shelves. I am missing a couple of boxes of books, but I am not going to panic tonight. Tomorrow will do for finding the missing boxes.

Living in a New Home

Oh yes, more unpacking, organizing, and on top of that, school. The boys are being cooperative today. Could it be because we started the day out right? By praying together and reading Psalm 24, "The earth is the Lord's and all it contains....Who is the King of Glory? The Lord strong and mighty."

Confession: I LOVE organizing. (I trait I got from my Mom) I'm having a hard time doing school with the boys because I'd rather cut shelf paper and organize the linen closet. Help me, God to focus and finish a task. I know You can help me.

A New Home, A New Start

A new home and a new start - that's where I am tonight. We just moved into our new house this weekend. I was overwhelmed by the help we have received from our family and friends who helped us move, brought us food, helped pack and unpack, mowed our grass, fixed our fridge, cleaned our old house, etc. We are truly blessed. This is the first house I have felt a permanence about because I'm not waiting on something or someone to "show up". I'm not waiting on a promised full-time salary for Scott or any other promises. We just are us. Living in this house. It feels good.

We have had quite a long list of moves in the past 22 years. Here's the summary: We rented our first apartment because it was close to school - we knew it wasn't going to be permanent. We moved to a bigger condo to be closer to work, but we knew that wasn't permanent either. We moved to a country place and had our first baby. Then Scott's job situation changed, so we decided to try our luck in The Dalles, Oregon. In The Dalles, we lived with my grandparents for 2 1/2 months, in an apartment for 2 1/2 months, and then in a farmhouse. We knew we could only stay if Scott could find and keep a job. We stayed there for 4 years, had 2 more babies, then moved to Portland for 10 months while Scott went to school. We moved back to California to take care of Scott's Grandma, and we lived in her home. That always felt temporary because living there was conditional. We ended up living there 8 years (having 1 more baby). Then on to an apartment for 5 months while waiting for my parents' house. Then we  lived in my parent's house while they lived in Hawaii. Then we moved to Napa for a job that didn't pan out the way we had hoped, so we have moved on to this house.

Now I'm sitting here in our little 3 bedroom 2 bath house that sits tucked away down a gravel driveway in the middle of Napa, and I love it. I have a beautiful green lawn in front, beautiful rose bushes outside my kitchen window, plenty of room for a garden, and a cute 50s retro kitchen that I absolutely LOVE.

All that said, things aren't perfect at my house. I still struggle with my food addiction. I still mess up daily with homeschooling - I'm finally figuring out that the mess ups ARE homeschooling. I still wish I had a better relationship with my sister. I miss my daughter terribly while she is in Africa. I worry that I'll somehow run out of time and not get to do all the things I want to do in life.

But tonight, today, I'm good. I have my recovery program. I have a place to sleep, a place to live and a place to feed my family. Thank you, God. That's been my prayer this weekend.

Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.

Adults in the life of my children

Today my 16 yo daughter was not doing very well. Actually it has been a veeerrryyy lllooonnnggg wwweeeeeeek of her not doing well. Today at Homeschool Park Day, a woman from our homeschool group asked her how she was. She said OK, but the woman wouldn't take that for an answer. She knew that my daughter was lying, and she said so! Next, she encouraged (well, actually, demanded) that my daughter call any member of her family if she is ever depressed. Some member of her family would come and pick my daughter up to bring her to their house for the day.

How thankful I am to have other adults in my children's lives to help them along the way. I am not so delusional to think I am the only influence in my kids' lives. No Way! They need other grounded adults to show them the way to go. My daughter needs others to tell her the very things I tell her because she does not always think I'm the smartest person on the planet. She can take "medicine" from others when it's difficult to take it from Mom.

I attended my nephew's 8th grade graduation in Santa Rosa on Wednesday. Each middle-school teacher picks a few graduates to bless. I was impressed by the love shown to these students by their teachers. Not only do these students have parents who care - they have teachers who care about their character. Most of the blessings were about character.

There are sometime adults that I do not let my children around. Usually, unfortunately, they are from our church family. These adults tear down my kids and try to spread gossip with them. These kinds of adults really aren't mature Christians they are just physically mature human beings with an infantile spiritual life. I am very careful to be present when these adults approach my children. I have told my children that I will protect them from these individuals.

How careful we are to be as parents! Do I let my kids go with that person? Do I let my kids take a class at the community college? Do I let my kids hang out at that house? Most of the time the Holy Spirit will give me a sense of who is safe and who is not. I am thankful for His guidance in all areas of my children's protection - physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual.

To Sebastopol

I am headed to Sebastopol to visit with my parents, to see some friends, and to speak at an FA meeting. I love visiting my parents, I love seeing my friends, and I love speaking at FA meetings. What I don't love is the feeling I still have when I'm heading to Sebastopol. It's not as bad as it used to be, but I still have some healing to do. I've come so far in my ability to forgive the Christians that hurt me so much and acted in what I believe to be a very ungodly way toward me and my family. God has enabled me to move past most of those hurts, but there is still just a little feeling of anxiety when I think about Sebastopol. I love the town with all its hippies and the most awesome coffee shop in existence. I try to focus on the memories I have prior to the "incident" at Sebastopol Christian Church. There are so many wonderful memories - nearly 30 years worth.

As I drive across Napa Valley toward Sonoma County, I will meditate on those beautiful memories. I will think about how much God loves me. I will think about how truly blessed I am to believe in a Jesus who will never leave me. A Friend and Savior, Jesus Christ, who knows how it feels to be treated unfairly. That's what I'm thinking about today.

DISCERNMENT

For some time now, I have been aware of a certain "group" in our Christian homeschooling community. This "group" (for lack of a better term) of believers has very strong views regarding:

1. How we should organize church
2. How families are to be organized
3. How Christians are to be having dominion over the world
4. How many children a Christian should have
5. What version of the Bible is truly inspired
6. Whether or not girls should go to college
7. How old the earth is

This group is represented by many different publishers, authors, websites, magazines, DVDs, You Tube videos, and conferences that teach various aspects of these ideas. (I'm sure you know some of their names - I'm not going to name them here.....well.....because I just don't want to.) I own a lot of their books, I get their magazines, I read their websites, I have listened to them at homeschool conferences, I have watched their teaching on You Tube, and I receive their catalogs. I have spoken to them at homeschool conferences, and I have spoken to their children at homeschool conferences.

Here's what I have come to realize - there's a lot of truth to be gained by listening to the leaders and followers of these "groups". But one must tread carefully and always listen and read with discernment.

When I recommend a book from one of these "groups", I do so very carefully. I do not recommend any of their books to a new Christian woman. These books must be read with discernment, and, usually, a new Christian does not yet know enough about God's Word to be able to be discerning. Most of the information in most of their books offer good, Biblical advice on living out the Christian life, but, without fail, I come across a teaching that just doesn't sound quite right. So what do I do? I open my Bible. I read the portion of scripture that they are using, and I find that their position is just shy of center. I understand where they are coming from, but I cannot accept the Biblical position they are suggesting.

I honestly have yet to find a better book on being a godly wife than Created To Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl. I have read this book 3 times, and I still get so much out of it! This does not mean that I agree with EVERYTHING Mrs. Pearl says in this book, but I appreciate the book because I can filter out the few things I don't agree with biblically, and concentrate on the mostly wonderful things taught in the book. I'm not going to throw out the baby with the bathwater - so to speak.

I'd like to think that there are other Christian homeschoolers out there who are also encouraged by some of this "group's" teaching, yet do not believe every aspect of this "group's" teaching hook, line, and sinker.

These are just some of my current thoughts on Christian homeschooling. I hope my words are not slanderous, but rather edifying in order to spur someone on to read, watch, and listen with discernment.

Grandad

The cherry design of my blog is in remembrance of my Grandfather, Ruben Schlager, who grew cherries in The Dalles. He died April 20, 2010. He was 5 days shy of his 89th birthday. He was an amazingly loving man who has shaped me into the person I am today. He truly showed God's unconditional love to me. He is buried in Dufur, Oregon. I miss him very much!!

Healing

FB has kept me away from blogging, but here I am again.

I am amazed how The LORD has healed my family. I'm not surprised because I knew He would, but I am in awe of His healing powers. Our family has been through the toughest of situations - losing most of our faith family, Scott losing his job, being forced out of a church I have belonged to since I was 9, having to move to a different town, being very disappointed with "Christian" leaders - all these things could have completely shut us down. We learned that through it all, our only truth is Christ Our Rock. There are times in life where you have awesome friends, awesome family, etc. But there are also times when every human fails you, and all you're left with is Christ. I am thankful for the heritage my parents instilled in me to believe in God.

It's Monday, usually a very hard day in the life of this homeschool Mom. Today I woke up a little late, but I've been hard at work ever since. I hung out a load of laundry, wrote up all the school schedules for the week, and even had time to post on my blog. I'm so thankful for the new energy I have since I've returned to FA. I love my new sponsor. She is very understanding and encouraging. My obsession with food has been lifted for today.

God has been so good to me. I'm grateful for His constant love and kindness toward me. I feel as though I've finally settled into my life - not only here in Napa, but my whole life. I've been on edge and stressed out since 2007. That sounds awful, but it is very true. I'm settled in (to our new home), settled down (emotionally and mentally), and serene (deep down inside my soul).

Through the tender mercy of our God,

Whereby the dayspring from on high hath visited us;

To give light to them that sit in darkness and in the shadow of death

And to guide our feet into the way of peace

Hooping

Since we've moved to Napa, I've started hooping. I purchased a wonderful hoop from superhooper. Sometimes I hoop outside, sometimes while watching TV. I hoop to relax and to exercise. I had no idea about the world of hooping until my niece recommended a blog called The Happy Janssens. Now I'm hooked for life! I'm trying to learn new tricks. It's hard, but I'm not giving up.

I'm Back!

I've decided to come back to blogging. My life has changed incredibly this year - for the better. The Lord has shown me yet again that He is good and that He will always take care of me and my family. We are doing wonderfully well in our new home in Napa, CA. The Lord has given us a new ministry to the people of Yountville Community Church. Blessed be the Name of the LORD!

Always Learning

Yesterday I got all riled up about the situation with the church and Scott. I was so angry. I got some relief when I could talk to someone about how I felt. When I woke up this morning, I was still somewhat mad. I was unable to expel some anxious thoughts from my mind. They kept coming back again and again. (I started to lose my cool over simple things like picking up my kid's stuff in the living room. All this before 9:30am)

I went into my room to do my quiet time. I read My Utmost For His Highest everyday. Today he quoted St. Augustine, "O Lord, deliver me from this lust of always vindicating myself". He went on to say that Jesus never explained anything. He let misconceptions correct themselves, or rather, handed the outcome of such misunderstandings over to His Father.

This is something I must learn now, this "always wanting to vindicate myself". I'll tell you, it is very difficult. I'm an explainer. I explain things all day to my kids. I naturally like people to understand what is going on. Well, I just don't have to do that about this situation. I don't have to tell everyone our side of the story. If they want to know it, they will ask. It's my job to tell the truth when asked, but I don't have to fret about all the people who don't know the truth. That's what I was doing - fretting. How stupid of me! What an waste of energy. Today was a little better day because I prayed the St. Augustine prayer all day.

On another note, I had to confess to my children that I had not been a very good Mom these last couple of months. Honestly, I didn't handle all this too well. I basically became paralyzed for a while and hid out in my room watching movies. (I don't drink, do drugs, eat addictively, smoke, etc. Movies are my only "drug" left) So I have been checked out for quite some time. I feel horrible about it. The kids have been watching way too much TV and eating poorly. I told them I was sorry, and I said I was going to try to do better today. I did do better - not as well as I would have liked (I'm very hard on myself), but better, nevertheless.

Part of what I feel bad about is our scattered Bible time. Because we haven't been on top of school, Bible time has fallen by the wayside. What a time to "forget" Bible time! We need this so much, yet I admit, I have let it go. I asked God to forgive me. I asked for His help to start anew today, and He did help me. I am so thankful for a God who is patient with me even when I mess up over and over again.

I do not carry the burden I had last night. I feel much more free. My heart is not pounding in my chest because of my anxious thoughts. I can breathe deeply.

God is good.

Difficult Day

This is a very difficult day. I am sick to my stomach about everything that has happened. I still can't believe that Elders in a church would be deceiving to their congregation. I realize too that they have impuned my husband's reputation. I have also come to realize that many of my friends will continue to trust and believe these very men who have not been completely honest with them. These things really hurt me so deeply.

I am trying to
a) repay evil with good
b) ask God to vindicate me
c) pray for those who are being deceived for God to open their eyes to the truth

How can God bless a place where their is deception?

Psalm 23

Today I was talking to one of my fellow homeschool-mom friends, and she said something very encouraging. I want to share it on my blog.

She said to remember that Psalm 23 says, "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death." Meaning, we aren't camping in the valley, laying down in the valley, or stopping in any way in the valley. We are walking through it. We will get to the end of the valley. We must continue to walk God's walk.

We Made It!

Church yesterday was difficult, but it was the right thing to do. We needed to say goodbye to everyone. Many people were confused and didn't understand. Scott and I can only tell the truth from our point of view.

Thank you for your prayers. Thank you, Stacie for your words of encouragement, "Let God be your vindicator." That is exactly what we are doing. The truth of the situation will come out.

We are keeping ourselves busy by rearranging our house. Our 13 year old boy needs his own space, so we are trying to give him that.

Scott's Job

Well, the end has come. Scott has been fired from his job as Children's Pastor at our church. Scott has been working on reconciling things between him and the leadership for nearly a year, and the Elders finally asked for his resignation. He didn't resign, though. They gave us a very generous severance package. Tomorrow will be our last day at Sebastopol Christian Church. We want to be there to say goodbye to the children.

I have such mixed emotions. On the one hand, I am relieved. After months of stress, we are done with this situation. On the other hand, I wish reconciliation could have taken place. I am not worried. I am not afraid for our future. We will stay right here until God says, "Move."

Our children are sad. Tomorrow will be difficult for them. Please pray for our family tomorrow. I have yet to completely fall apart. I know I will have to do that sometime, but I do not want to do it tomorrow at church.

I have had such support and love from my friends at church, some of whom I have known for 31 years. I do not harbor any hard feelings toward the leadership at SCC, but I am disappointed with how they dealt with everything.

Thank you, friends for all your prayers. I have felt them lift me up through some very dark nights.

God is good.

The Hunters Are Home

My son, Samuel, turned 13 on Nov. 2. He spent his birthday hunting in Colorado and shooting his first deer, a doe. He had a great time with Dad. I sent some homework with him, but he didn't do it. He told me that all they did was hunt, eat, and sleep. I guess I could count it as P.E. :)