To Sebastopol

I am headed to Sebastopol to visit with my parents, to see some friends, and to speak at an FA meeting. I love visiting my parents, I love seeing my friends, and I love speaking at FA meetings. What I don't love is the feeling I still have when I'm heading to Sebastopol. It's not as bad as it used to be, but I still have some healing to do. I've come so far in my ability to forgive the Christians that hurt me so much and acted in what I believe to be a very ungodly way toward me and my family. God has enabled me to move past most of those hurts, but there is still just a little feeling of anxiety when I think about Sebastopol. I love the town with all its hippies and the most awesome coffee shop in existence. I try to focus on the memories I have prior to the "incident" at Sebastopol Christian Church. There are so many wonderful memories - nearly 30 years worth.

As I drive across Napa Valley toward Sonoma County, I will meditate on those beautiful memories. I will think about how much God loves me. I will think about how truly blessed I am to believe in a Jesus who will never leave me. A Friend and Savior, Jesus Christ, who knows how it feels to be treated unfairly. That's what I'm thinking about today.

My life in FA

Sunday was my 1 year and 5 month anniversary of being abstinent in FA. (It's like being sober in AA). There are so many changes in my life, it's hard to know where to start.

First of all, I lost 50 lbs in 10 months. I have been the same weight I am now since January 5. I can honestly say that I have not been compulsively obsessed with food for these last 17 months. That is the grace of God.

What I really love about FA is that I get to go out and eat an anniversary meal with my husband and completely enjoy it. Before, with all the diets and ways I tried to control my food addiction, I would go out to eat and a) either eat something I did not want to eat (like a little salad or something really tiny) or b) leave the restaurant rolling out the door because I was so full (later telling myself what a pig I was, how disgusting I was, etc). With FA, I just enjoy a good meal. I know that sounds like crazy talk and it was crazy!!! The kind of life I led in the midst of my addiction was horrible. I was miserable. Every morning was misery because I had tried to control my eating the day befire only to end up binging every night. It was truly hopeless.

Since the first day of FA, I was released from the obsession and compulsion I had around food. Praise God. I had hope and it has remained with me since then. Something we say in FA is: We know that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. I finally let go of my way of eating (and thinking about eating) and allowed the people in FA to help me.

OK - another thing I've received from FA - peace. My husband and I just got back from our little trip to the lake and we had a great time. We were so relaxed. Scott has been going through some really tough things lately, but God has given us both a deep peace. How can we be peaceful in the midst of difficulties? It is only by God's grace. We have accepted His grace in our lives. The piece of my heart that belonged to food now belongs to God. I am free from food addiction so that I can be totally addicted to God. Now I am able to open up my whole heart to Him and accept whatever He has to give me.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
Thy loving will be done in and through me this day
Amen

How FA changed me

During the last 14 months, I have been in a recovery group called FA - Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous. I have lost over 50 lbs and gained sanity, clarity and spiritual renewal.

One of the things I have learned to do is identify the feelings that I used to eat over. If I am feeling anxious and unsettled, I try to stop what I'm doing a take a look at my heart. Usually, I am feeling something that makes me uncomfortable and I want to eat over it to make it go away temporarily. I have learned that I don't have to eat over anything. Nothing is so bad that I will use food to numb myself out.

Instead, I will pray and take it all to God. I don't know when I began to hold up food as an idol to take the place of God's comfort, but I am so glad I no longer do that. Now, for the rest of my life, I get to keep God in the proper place. The place where He belongs in my life - FIRST PLACE.