I wonder what it says about a person's personality by how they unpack their moving boxes. Some would unpack their clothes first, some the kitchen things. Me, I unpack books first. Not only do I unpack them...I organize them on the shelves. I know this must be weird, but it makes me feel calm. I did move my kitchen things over during the course of 3 days, so I guess you could say my kitchen was first, but really, when given the choice, I always go for the books. It probably drives my husband mad, mad, mad. I haven't asked him. I don't care where the sheets are, or where my shoes are for that matter (I wore my son's slippers to my meeting tonight). What I really want is to know that all my books are here and safely put on my shelves. I am missing a couple of boxes of books, but I am not going to panic tonight. Tomorrow will do for finding the missing boxes.

Living in a New Home

Oh yes, more unpacking, organizing, and on top of that, school. The boys are being cooperative today. Could it be because we started the day out right? By praying together and reading Psalm 24, "The earth is the Lord's and all it contains....Who is the King of Glory? The Lord strong and mighty."

Confession: I LOVE organizing. (I trait I got from my Mom) I'm having a hard time doing school with the boys because I'd rather cut shelf paper and organize the linen closet. Help me, God to focus and finish a task. I know You can help me.

A New Home, A New Start

A new home and a new start - that's where I am tonight. We just moved into our new house this weekend. I was overwhelmed by the help we have received from our family and friends who helped us move, brought us food, helped pack and unpack, mowed our grass, fixed our fridge, cleaned our old house, etc. We are truly blessed. This is the first house I have felt a permanence about because I'm not waiting on something or someone to "show up". I'm not waiting on a promised full-time salary for Scott or any other promises. We just are us. Living in this house. It feels good.

We have had quite a long list of moves in the past 22 years. Here's the summary: We rented our first apartment because it was close to school - we knew it wasn't going to be permanent. We moved to a bigger condo to be closer to work, but we knew that wasn't permanent either. We moved to a country place and had our first baby. Then Scott's job situation changed, so we decided to try our luck in The Dalles, Oregon. In The Dalles, we lived with my grandparents for 2 1/2 months, in an apartment for 2 1/2 months, and then in a farmhouse. We knew we could only stay if Scott could find and keep a job. We stayed there for 4 years, had 2 more babies, then moved to Portland for 10 months while Scott went to school. We moved back to California to take care of Scott's Grandma, and we lived in her home. That always felt temporary because living there was conditional. We ended up living there 8 years (having 1 more baby). Then on to an apartment for 5 months while waiting for my parents' house. Then we  lived in my parent's house while they lived in Hawaii. Then we moved to Napa for a job that didn't pan out the way we had hoped, so we have moved on to this house.

Now I'm sitting here in our little 3 bedroom 2 bath house that sits tucked away down a gravel driveway in the middle of Napa, and I love it. I have a beautiful green lawn in front, beautiful rose bushes outside my kitchen window, plenty of room for a garden, and a cute 50s retro kitchen that I absolutely LOVE.

All that said, things aren't perfect at my house. I still struggle with my food addiction. I still mess up daily with homeschooling - I'm finally figuring out that the mess ups ARE homeschooling. I still wish I had a better relationship with my sister. I miss my daughter terribly while she is in Africa. I worry that I'll somehow run out of time and not get to do all the things I want to do in life.

But tonight, today, I'm good. I have my recovery program. I have a place to sleep, a place to live and a place to feed my family. Thank you, God. That's been my prayer this weekend.

Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.

To Sebastopol

I am headed to Sebastopol to visit with my parents, to see some friends, and to speak at an FA meeting. I love visiting my parents, I love seeing my friends, and I love speaking at FA meetings. What I don't love is the feeling I still have when I'm heading to Sebastopol. It's not as bad as it used to be, but I still have some healing to do. I've come so far in my ability to forgive the Christians that hurt me so much and acted in what I believe to be a very ungodly way toward me and my family. God has enabled me to move past most of those hurts, but there is still just a little feeling of anxiety when I think about Sebastopol. I love the town with all its hippies and the most awesome coffee shop in existence. I try to focus on the memories I have prior to the "incident" at Sebastopol Christian Church. There are so many wonderful memories - nearly 30 years worth.

As I drive across Napa Valley toward Sonoma County, I will meditate on those beautiful memories. I will think about how much God loves me. I will think about how truly blessed I am to believe in a Jesus who will never leave me. A Friend and Savior, Jesus Christ, who knows how it feels to be treated unfairly. That's what I'm thinking about today.

It's Monday, usually a very hard day in the life of this homeschool Mom. Today I woke up a little late, but I've been hard at work ever since. I hung out a load of laundry, wrote up all the school schedules for the week, and even had time to post on my blog. I'm so thankful for the new energy I have since I've returned to FA. I love my new sponsor. She is very understanding and encouraging. My obsession with food has been lifted for today.

God has been so good to me. I'm grateful for His constant love and kindness toward me. I feel as though I've finally settled into my life - not only here in Napa, but my whole life. I've been on edge and stressed out since 2007. That sounds awful, but it is very true. I'm settled in (to our new home), settled down (emotionally and mentally), and serene (deep down inside my soul).

Through the tender mercy of our God,

Whereby the dayspring from on high hath visited us;

To give light to them that sit in darkness and in the shadow of death

And to guide our feet into the way of peace

Always Learning

Yesterday I got all riled up about the situation with the church and Scott. I was so angry. I got some relief when I could talk to someone about how I felt. When I woke up this morning, I was still somewhat mad. I was unable to expel some anxious thoughts from my mind. They kept coming back again and again. (I started to lose my cool over simple things like picking up my kid's stuff in the living room. All this before 9:30am)

I went into my room to do my quiet time. I read My Utmost For His Highest everyday. Today he quoted St. Augustine, "O Lord, deliver me from this lust of always vindicating myself". He went on to say that Jesus never explained anything. He let misconceptions correct themselves, or rather, handed the outcome of such misunderstandings over to His Father.

This is something I must learn now, this "always wanting to vindicate myself". I'll tell you, it is very difficult. I'm an explainer. I explain things all day to my kids. I naturally like people to understand what is going on. Well, I just don't have to do that about this situation. I don't have to tell everyone our side of the story. If they want to know it, they will ask. It's my job to tell the truth when asked, but I don't have to fret about all the people who don't know the truth. That's what I was doing - fretting. How stupid of me! What an waste of energy. Today was a little better day because I prayed the St. Augustine prayer all day.

On another note, I had to confess to my children that I had not been a very good Mom these last couple of months. Honestly, I didn't handle all this too well. I basically became paralyzed for a while and hid out in my room watching movies. (I don't drink, do drugs, eat addictively, smoke, etc. Movies are my only "drug" left) So I have been checked out for quite some time. I feel horrible about it. The kids have been watching way too much TV and eating poorly. I told them I was sorry, and I said I was going to try to do better today. I did do better - not as well as I would have liked (I'm very hard on myself), but better, nevertheless.

Part of what I feel bad about is our scattered Bible time. Because we haven't been on top of school, Bible time has fallen by the wayside. What a time to "forget" Bible time! We need this so much, yet I admit, I have let it go. I asked God to forgive me. I asked for His help to start anew today, and He did help me. I am so thankful for a God who is patient with me even when I mess up over and over again.

I do not carry the burden I had last night. I feel much more free. My heart is not pounding in my chest because of my anxious thoughts. I can breathe deeply.

God is good.

Still waiting...

Here we on on Monday morning. We made it through another Sunday. I nearly fell apart in front of one of my oldest friends. I'm still not supposed to talk to anyone about anything. It makes Sundays really hard.

Today's thought is: The mind set on the Spirit is life and peace. Romans 8:6b

I am trying to keep my mind occupied with things of the Spirit - prayer, Bible verses, encouraging people to talk to because I want PEACE.

It is still difficult to keep up with everything. I am distracted and unable to complete a task. I'm trying to give myself some grace, but not allow too many excuses. You know how it can get, "I am going through (whatever difficulty), so I just can't make dinner, teach the kids, clean the house, etc. That's where my mind is going.

BUT...there is hope. I can keep my mind on the things of the Spirit. I have different Bible verses written down around the house to keep me focused.

Your continued prayers lift me up.

Blackberry Jam and Apple Sauce

Thanks to Cheesemakin' Mama's post about her raw strawberry jam, I made some raw blackberry jam. I don't have pictures - I don't know how to post pictures yet; only my children know how to and they aren't home - but the kids tried it and loved it. I used blackberries picked from down the road and honey from our neighbor up the road. Thanks, Jackie!


Apple season in Sebastopol is big, well, big for Sebastopol, a town of 7, 000. There are so many apple trees here, that people beg you to come pick apples. Sam, Elijah and I picked a huge box of apples, and I canned 10 quarts of apple sauce. They are beautiful! I borrowed a steamer canner from a friend, and I was amazed at how easy it is to can this way.

On another note, my boys, including my husband, have all left for a three day camping trip to the coast. Scott also took my 2 nephews. That's one Dad and 5 boys. It leaves Mom home alone. Oh what will I do with myself......

In The Kitchen

Today I worked in the yard in the morning. If you know me, you will know how shocking it is that I worked in the yard. I am not a gardener. I have a brown thumb. All my favorite things to do are done indoors - listening to and playing music, reading, cooking, watching movies, reading and more reading.

But now I am in my kitchen cooking up a storm. I made my homemade sugar-free ketchup. I made a bazillion pieces of french toast to freeze. I made a blackberry/strawberry crisp. The best part is that no one bothers me when they see I am in the bulk cooking mode. I get to listen to my favorite music, too. I love this kind of Saturday. It is very fulfilling to get things done in the kitchen.

On another note, my parents and my daughter, Jordan, are in Zimbabwe as I am writing this. (Jordan, if you can get to my blog, I miss you already!!) I am still in awe of how God worked all things out for Jordan to go on this trip. I know He wants her in Africa.

money

Today is scary. We are so out of money. I have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don't know what else we can do. I try to curb our spending, but there are things we need to buy and do. It is so difficult righ now. I hate telling my husband this, but I have to. He is so stressed right now with all the work he does. I'm going to go to my room to pray and read the Bible to get me through this day. There seems to be no hope for this money situation to get any better. My only hope is in Christ.

Wrappping it all up

I am in the process of finishing up our school year. We still have one more softball game and about 4 more baseball games before we leave for Hawaii on May 19. I want to get most of my end-of-the-year school work done before we leave so that I can add all the fun Hawaii school stuff in when I get back home. I can't wait to step out of the Honolulu airport and feel the breeze and smell the beautiful flowers. The kids are jazzed to spend so much time with their grandparents because they get so much attention from them. It will be awesome to listen to my Dad's sermons again - I miss him immensely.

I'm hoping that next school year will be less stressful than this one. After this first year of homeschooling high school, anything will be easy.