The Jennifer I want to be

It's amazing what a new house can do. I feel like we have started a new life. I've released not only a bunch of old things - books, furniture, accessories, but also some old thoughts - waiting on others to get me where I'm going and blaming others for where I am today.

I did a lot of journaling this morning and I was able to clearly see how I got caught up in a couple of people's unrealistic schemes. I use the word "scheme" because I can't think of a better word right now. I believed these people when they said they wanted to change, and I bought into what they were saying. I had no reason not to. Yet when I got to know them and watch them over a period of a couple of years, their true colors came through. I don't think they were trying to hise their true colors, I just didn't know them well enough to see how they operated as people. I'm thankful that I saw what kind of people they are and that I was able to get out of a situation that could have been very detrimental to my emotional well-being.

I find that I am attracted to people who are very transparent. I don't do well with actors, pretenders, or those who don't know who they are. I have a very hard time with those who are calculating and who weigh every minute of a conversation to see if anything can be used later. Or maybe a person who holds back calculatingly for an opportune time to take control. All that is disgusting to me. I like plain people. I like people who are themselves at all times - that means mad when they are mad, sad when they are sad, and happy when they are happy. If you're wierd, so what? Just be yourself.

One of my favorite people is a country girl from Oregon. She says what she thinks at all times. She's honest with you and she expects you to be honest with her. I like that.

Another favorite person of mine is a retired nurse who lives in Zimbabwe. I spent 10 days on a trip with her as my roomate. If you ask her a question, she gives you an answer. There is no faltering. She is who she is with no apologies.

These people are the kind of people I want to be. I want to be Jennifer. The best Jennifer. The Jennifer God made me to be. I am working on that. It's my journey to freedom.

To Sebastopol

I am headed to Sebastopol to visit with my parents, to see some friends, and to speak at an FA meeting. I love visiting my parents, I love seeing my friends, and I love speaking at FA meetings. What I don't love is the feeling I still have when I'm heading to Sebastopol. It's not as bad as it used to be, but I still have some healing to do. I've come so far in my ability to forgive the Christians that hurt me so much and acted in what I believe to be a very ungodly way toward me and my family. God has enabled me to move past most of those hurts, but there is still just a little feeling of anxiety when I think about Sebastopol. I love the town with all its hippies and the most awesome coffee shop in existence. I try to focus on the memories I have prior to the "incident" at Sebastopol Christian Church. There are so many wonderful memories - nearly 30 years worth.

As I drive across Napa Valley toward Sonoma County, I will meditate on those beautiful memories. I will think about how much God loves me. I will think about how truly blessed I am to believe in a Jesus who will never leave me. A Friend and Savior, Jesus Christ, who knows how it feels to be treated unfairly. That's what I'm thinking about today.

Healing

FB has kept me away from blogging, but here I am again.

I am amazed how The LORD has healed my family. I'm not surprised because I knew He would, but I am in awe of His healing powers. Our family has been through the toughest of situations - losing most of our faith family, Scott losing his job, being forced out of a church I have belonged to since I was 9, having to move to a different town, being very disappointed with "Christian" leaders - all these things could have completely shut us down. We learned that through it all, our only truth is Christ Our Rock. There are times in life where you have awesome friends, awesome family, etc. But there are also times when every human fails you, and all you're left with is Christ. I am thankful for the heritage my parents instilled in me to believe in God.

Psalm 23

Today I was talking to one of my fellow homeschool-mom friends, and she said something very encouraging. I want to share it on my blog.

She said to remember that Psalm 23 says, "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death." Meaning, we aren't camping in the valley, laying down in the valley, or stopping in any way in the valley. We are walking through it. We will get to the end of the valley. We must continue to walk God's walk.

Negative

Another realization of mine - I'm a negative person for the most part. This is a natural way I view life. I am an analytical/critical thinker, so I tend to be critical, negative and not easily swayed to anyone's ideas. These are good sometimes, but I don't want my critical spirit to come out to my family, especially my children. Help me to change, God. You are the only One with enough power to change me. I am truly a fallen wretch. How gracious of You to never leave me. Thank You for holding my hand right now. I don't deserve it at all.